November 30, 2004

HONESTY AND LIES: THE INTERTWINED CONTRADICTIONS OF FICTION

I have no respect for their opinion, good or bad; do not covet their approval; and do not write for their amusement.
— Charles Dickens

Continue reading "HONESTY AND LIES: THE INTERTWINED CONTRADICTIONS OF FICTION"

Posted by M.A.G. at 10:56 AM

November 2, 2004

THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

Democracy’s a joke
— John McCrea

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Posted by M.A.G. at 11:32 PM | Comments (2)

August 16, 2004

The Problem With Blogs

Fuck you, Spam! And I don?t mean the tasty treat.

I enjoy having a blog. To me it is an online journal; a place where I can record my thoughts and show them to the world, yet no one will ever see them. There are no rules or forms or styles to follow in a blog; I could care less about the structure or subject. The main importance is that I'm exercising. However, I was still intrigued when I noticed people have been trying to post to my entries. After all these months maybe more than two people actually check my website!

Alas, it is not to be.

Upon opening the first message, I found out that someone named Trotinela wanted to post 'bag poola bey' to one of my blogs. I'm all for comments, but that one didn't make any sense. I'm not familiar with many languages, but I'm fairly certain that wasn't one. I looked at the URL identified in the request. I didn't have to click on any links. A variation of the ever popular 'penis enlargement' fad was in the title of the URL.

At first I was shocked. I don't have a penis, at least not biologically, so naturally it never occurred to me that the companies offering this service would approach me. They could be assuming that I desired the information, but seeing as how I've never made any such request, that endeavor would also be a waste of their time. I am perfectly satisfied with the size of the penis to which I have access. Could they just be trying to get some free advertising on my personal page? No, it could not be! Distasteful marketing ploys had surly not sunk so low.

Trotinela sent me two more messages touting the penis enlargement miracle treatment. Since I don't respond to gibberish, I denied all of Trotinela's requests to post anything to my personal page.

Over the past week I've gotten messages from various Internet browsers, all claiming that they like my sight; a few quoted someone else with some kind of philosophical question. Their names are sometimes not names, such as 'grzh', who wanted to let me in on something called a 'milf-rider'. Call me naive, but I don't know what a 'milf-rider' is, and if the word 'milf' is an acronym for something like I think it is, why send that kind of trash to me? Then there is 'bob', who is one tenacious motherfucker. He's sent me four requests in the past week, not one of which I will allow post to my site, if I can prevent it. Three of them were about increasing the number of potency of one's sperm. However, the idea of increasing the number of potency of my sperm seemed too difficult a task for me to be interested.

I guess websites for men are always about increasing the power and nobility of their gender, and what better way to do that than get a girl pregnant with the biggest dick possible! It's probably the same asshole that played 'grzh', and even Trotinela. I bet if I tried to send mail to any of them, their email addresses would appear invalid. And Hotmail and the others claim that they do not allow their accounts to be used for spam. . . . However, I dare not click on any links or respond, because then I'll be on their list forever, whatever aliases and addresses they chose.

The last message I received was for pain relief. I suppose for relieving all those damn headaches that these spammers continue to beget. Once I figure out how to deny the request and delete the comment, I'll be able to rest. It's really pathetic, and disturbing. My sacred ground has been violated with the Internet's version of telemarketers.

I have been petitioned to know about penis enlargement, milf-riding, getting more sperm, and pain relief. All of these are topics I have no interest learning about, and if I have an interest, I would probably first consult my doctor. If there are any more pain-relieving, penis-enlarging, sperm-producing, gushing-porn producers out there, be warned: My web-host-er seems to have some sort of filter against your spam. I will forever deny any requests to post anything to my page. When I got a blog, I never intended it to be used as a vehicle for commercial promotion, for anyone other than myself. I'm not saying there aren't links that will appear on my site (like MoveOn.org check them out!), but I intend to be very selective about the ones I feel worthy to be mentioned.

So whine all you want, "Please, please, let me post a 'comment' on your blog!"

I will only reply, "Fuck you, bite me, and go buy your own ad space."

Posted by M.A.G. at 1:00 PM | Comments (2)

July 12, 2004

CHANGE = DOOM

Change sucks balls, and not in a good way...

I had a bad day. Bad things did not happen, or haven?t happened yet, but I have a feeling of doom. Doom Doom Doom. My stomach is nervous and tied up in knots. I don?t know why. I guess I?m feeling depressed?no, I?m anxious. But why am I anxious? Does the mind sometimes convince the body to be worried about nothing? Maybe I?m just having a major mood swing. But this happened to me two weeks ago. I was at a conference in Bloomington then, so I attributed it to being away from home for so long. I don?t like to be away from home for even a day. But it must be something more if it?s happening to me again.

I had another feeling two weeks ago, when I got home from Bloomington, that I suspect is the cause of the problem. I felt like I had started to change. There was something deep inside me that was moving around, growing and trying to find a new place to live, and there is no way to know how or if it will surface and how or if it will affect the rest of me. I still feel that way. There are two problems with that. One, I hate change. Two, I don?t know how or why I?m changing. That?s probably the reason I hate change. It?s so uncertain.

Perhaps there is a horrible event looming in my future. My sixth sense might be kicking in, trying to warn me and prepare me. But will that really be enough? Would it soften the blow of a tragedy? I doubt it. I suspect that it would make me wonder whether or not I had willed something terrible to happen. In my subconscious I created its coming, and as a result I must suffer for that sin. It doesn?t matter that I didn?t know what might happen. It?s the whole being careful what you wish for thing, only you don?t know what may have been your most grave and disturbing desire until it?s too late.

Perhaps I?m just romanticizing my existence. I write fiction. Sometimes I feel like I live fiction. There are times when I move about my day, describing everything I do and feel in my mind as though I?m narrating a character. Leaving for work in the morning becomes, ?She opened her car door and tossed her briefcase on the passenger seat. Unable to explain it, she settled uneasily in her seat, surrounded by an aura of impending doom.? Sure, I don?t use a briefcase, but my character might. The stories in my mind aren?t limited to small things like getting into a car and feeling impending doom, either. Sometimes I pretend to be someone I?m not, in a situation I wouldn?t want to be in. When I?m writing, that?s absolutely OK, but when I?m supposed to be living? What I?m really doing is giving myself excuses to embellish sinful thoughts, and there are consequences for that.

Either way, it all comes back to change, a change in my life or a change in my perceptions. Change = Doom. But perhaps I should not be so cynical. Perhaps I?m changing for the better and becoming a stronger person. Perhaps I?m learning to let go of the whole sin preoccupation I seem to have and all the guilt?I?m not even Catholic! Or religious... Perhaps my flaws are really my strongest traits, and I?m learning to accept and embrace them. I like those ideas. I just wish life would hurry up and show my path, so I can stop feeling so anxious and uncertain.

Posted by M.A.G. at 10:30 PM

June 13, 2004

THE STUPIDITY OF MEN

For SGL (Actually SJL, but he knows who he is)

All right, SGL, this blog?s for you. I?d better receive a happy message that I?ve finally gotten around to posting something new. I?m sick and tired of you nagging my ass. Since you?re one of the only two people that visit my website, I guess I feel I owe it to you. You?re the only one complaining. Actually, someone else mentioned it the other day, but they were very nice about it.

There are some things I?ve learned during my very, very short life, but one thing that keeps affecting me is the stupidity of men. Don?t get me wrong, I love men. They can be very useful for fixing things, and the thought of my skin pressed against another woman?s just doesn?t do it for me. But let?s face it. Men are stupid. Here are some samples of men?s stupidity, taken from actual conversations.

WARNING: THIS IS NOT A DRAMATAZATION

?Women can?t be president of anything.? (Said to me, at age ten, by a teacher. Crushing.)

?Yeah, I don?t really want to eat there. Mexicans are dirty.?

?Come on, you can tell me.?

?But I thought women liked waiting on men?it?s in their nurturing nature.?

?You strut when you walk, don?t you??

?If I call you, I expect you to call me back.?

?You?re pretty cute . . . my girlfriend thinks you?re cute, too.?

?Women don?t have the temperament for Management positions.?

?Turn down the bass.? (As said to me during a Primus song. The idea is totally sacrilegious.)

?Oh yeah, baby, you like to choke on it.?

?Is that a mood ring??

Lapis lazuli, people! Mood rings are plastic and adjustable, not silver and precious stone. Besides, I don?t need a ring to tell someone I?m happy to see them. They feel it.

Keep in mind this is just a sample of the stupid things men have said to me. I could keep going, but we?d be here for years, and I think you get my point. Since I?m not planning on dying anytime soon, I?m sure I?ll hear other questions or comments that will take top prize. However, lately the question to beat has been: How can a guy afford a wife and a girlfriend?

In the past two months I?ve had two different pseudo-men ask me this question, verbatim. I?m beginning to wonder if there isn?t anything in the water, or playing subliminally on the radio. I?m sure that most men have debated the merits of having a wife and a girlfriend, but to come out and make it public like that?

My first instinct is to question how men could want such a thing in the first place. I?ve heard men praise women for things like serving them, especially for sexual favors, but the other ninety percent of the time I hear men bitching about what a pain in the ass women are. Women have no sense for logic, they are too emotional, they are too manipulative, they bitch and nag constantly, spend all a man?s hard earned cash, and deny requests for blow jobs?after you?re married forget it. My own husband has accused me of being high maintenance, whatever that means. Why would a man consciously choose to deal with two women? It seems to me the emotional struggles wouldn?t be worth the taste or feel of something new. Even the boys who asked me that stupid question have complained to me about their love interests.

However, a man could never understand that kind of emotional logic. So when I answered the question, I told them what I knew men could understand: It is impossible to afford a wife and a girlfriend.

In a man?s vision of the perfect world, there is a loving wife to bear his children and wait on him, keeping him company as he grows old, and a girlfriend on the side for variety. The title of wife implies a permanent appendage, but a girlfriend, now those are interchangeable. But even in the perfect world there must be balance. Women are expensive. In a world where every man got two, it would be doubly expensive. First you have to pay for the wife, which includes a house with a yard, kids, and a minivan. Then you have to pay for the girlfriend. Even if you don?t ante-up for her rent, you?re still going to have to take her out to the movies, for drinks and clubbing, or for dinner, and buy her gifts to keep her happy. If I lived in a world where my husband had a girlfriend or my boyfriend had a wife, I would be set up like you wouldn?t believe. I wouldn?t have to work, though I would still write. I wouldn?t have to do anything but write and spend his money.

There are always questions that follow, exhausting petitions to help find a viable solution. What if I made this much money, or what if the wife/girlfriend paid for herself most of the time? The answer doesn?t change: You couldn?t afford it. The average man does not have money to throw around like Tony Soprano or Henry Hill. If there is still resistance, I throw in a quick summary of the emotional reasons. So far, that?s ended the conversation. There?s nothing more incomprehensible than emotional reasons for not attempting something desired. It?s easier to accept the practical reasons and forget the rest.

I hope no other men ask me that question. But if they do, I?ll be prepared: You couldn?t afford it, you stupid man.

:)

Posted by M.A.G. at 6:16 PM