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June 13, 2004

THE STUPIDITY OF MEN

For SGL (Actually SJL, but he knows who he is)

All right, SGL, this blog?s for you. I?d better receive a happy message that I?ve finally gotten around to posting something new. I?m sick and tired of you nagging my ass. Since you?re one of the only two people that visit my website, I guess I feel I owe it to you. You?re the only one complaining. Actually, someone else mentioned it the other day, but they were very nice about it.

There are some things I?ve learned during my very, very short life, but one thing that keeps affecting me is the stupidity of men. Don?t get me wrong, I love men. They can be very useful for fixing things, and the thought of my skin pressed against another woman?s just doesn?t do it for me. But let?s face it. Men are stupid. Here are some samples of men?s stupidity, taken from actual conversations.

WARNING: THIS IS NOT A DRAMATAZATION

?Women can?t be president of anything.? (Said to me, at age ten, by a teacher. Crushing.)

?Yeah, I don?t really want to eat there. Mexicans are dirty.?

?Come on, you can tell me.?

?But I thought women liked waiting on men?it?s in their nurturing nature.?

?You strut when you walk, don?t you??

?If I call you, I expect you to call me back.?

?You?re pretty cute . . . my girlfriend thinks you?re cute, too.?

?Women don?t have the temperament for Management positions.?

?Turn down the bass.? (As said to me during a Primus song. The idea is totally sacrilegious.)

?Oh yeah, baby, you like to choke on it.?

?Is that a mood ring??

Lapis lazuli, people! Mood rings are plastic and adjustable, not silver and precious stone. Besides, I don?t need a ring to tell someone I?m happy to see them. They feel it.

Keep in mind this is just a sample of the stupid things men have said to me. I could keep going, but we?d be here for years, and I think you get my point. Since I?m not planning on dying anytime soon, I?m sure I?ll hear other questions or comments that will take top prize. However, lately the question to beat has been: How can a guy afford a wife and a girlfriend?

In the past two months I?ve had two different pseudo-men ask me this question, verbatim. I?m beginning to wonder if there isn?t anything in the water, or playing subliminally on the radio. I?m sure that most men have debated the merits of having a wife and a girlfriend, but to come out and make it public like that?

My first instinct is to question how men could want such a thing in the first place. I?ve heard men praise women for things like serving them, especially for sexual favors, but the other ninety percent of the time I hear men bitching about what a pain in the ass women are. Women have no sense for logic, they are too emotional, they are too manipulative, they bitch and nag constantly, spend all a man?s hard earned cash, and deny requests for blow jobs?after you?re married forget it. My own husband has accused me of being high maintenance, whatever that means. Why would a man consciously choose to deal with two women? It seems to me the emotional struggles wouldn?t be worth the taste or feel of something new. Even the boys who asked me that stupid question have complained to me about their love interests.

However, a man could never understand that kind of emotional logic. So when I answered the question, I told them what I knew men could understand: It is impossible to afford a wife and a girlfriend.

In a man?s vision of the perfect world, there is a loving wife to bear his children and wait on him, keeping him company as he grows old, and a girlfriend on the side for variety. The title of wife implies a permanent appendage, but a girlfriend, now those are interchangeable. But even in the perfect world there must be balance. Women are expensive. In a world where every man got two, it would be doubly expensive. First you have to pay for the wife, which includes a house with a yard, kids, and a minivan. Then you have to pay for the girlfriend. Even if you don?t ante-up for her rent, you?re still going to have to take her out to the movies, for drinks and clubbing, or for dinner, and buy her gifts to keep her happy. If I lived in a world where my husband had a girlfriend or my boyfriend had a wife, I would be set up like you wouldn?t believe. I wouldn?t have to work, though I would still write. I wouldn?t have to do anything but write and spend his money.

There are always questions that follow, exhausting petitions to help find a viable solution. What if I made this much money, or what if the wife/girlfriend paid for herself most of the time? The answer doesn?t change: You couldn?t afford it. The average man does not have money to throw around like Tony Soprano or Henry Hill. If there is still resistance, I throw in a quick summary of the emotional reasons. So far, that?s ended the conversation. There?s nothing more incomprehensible than emotional reasons for not attempting something desired. It?s easier to accept the practical reasons and forget the rest.

I hope no other men ask me that question. But if they do, I?ll be prepared: You couldn?t afford it, you stupid man.

:)

Posted by mary at June 13, 2004 6:16 PM