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July 12, 2004

CHANGE = DOOM

Change sucks balls, and not in a good way...

I had a bad day. Bad things did not happen, or haven?t happened yet, but I have a feeling of doom. Doom Doom Doom. My stomach is nervous and tied up in knots. I don?t know why. I guess I?m feeling depressed?no, I?m anxious. But why am I anxious? Does the mind sometimes convince the body to be worried about nothing? Maybe I?m just having a major mood swing. But this happened to me two weeks ago. I was at a conference in Bloomington then, so I attributed it to being away from home for so long. I don?t like to be away from home for even a day. But it must be something more if it?s happening to me again.

I had another feeling two weeks ago, when I got home from Bloomington, that I suspect is the cause of the problem. I felt like I had started to change. There was something deep inside me that was moving around, growing and trying to find a new place to live, and there is no way to know how or if it will surface and how or if it will affect the rest of me. I still feel that way. There are two problems with that. One, I hate change. Two, I don?t know how or why I?m changing. That?s probably the reason I hate change. It?s so uncertain.

Perhaps there is a horrible event looming in my future. My sixth sense might be kicking in, trying to warn me and prepare me. But will that really be enough? Would it soften the blow of a tragedy? I doubt it. I suspect that it would make me wonder whether or not I had willed something terrible to happen. In my subconscious I created its coming, and as a result I must suffer for that sin. It doesn?t matter that I didn?t know what might happen. It?s the whole being careful what you wish for thing, only you don?t know what may have been your most grave and disturbing desire until it?s too late.

Perhaps I?m just romanticizing my existence. I write fiction. Sometimes I feel like I live fiction. There are times when I move about my day, describing everything I do and feel in my mind as though I?m narrating a character. Leaving for work in the morning becomes, ?She opened her car door and tossed her briefcase on the passenger seat. Unable to explain it, she settled uneasily in her seat, surrounded by an aura of impending doom.? Sure, I don?t use a briefcase, but my character might. The stories in my mind aren?t limited to small things like getting into a car and feeling impending doom, either. Sometimes I pretend to be someone I?m not, in a situation I wouldn?t want to be in. When I?m writing, that?s absolutely OK, but when I?m supposed to be living? What I?m really doing is giving myself excuses to embellish sinful thoughts, and there are consequences for that.

Either way, it all comes back to change, a change in my life or a change in my perceptions. Change = Doom. But perhaps I should not be so cynical. Perhaps I?m changing for the better and becoming a stronger person. Perhaps I?m learning to let go of the whole sin preoccupation I seem to have and all the guilt?I?m not even Catholic! Or religious... Perhaps my flaws are really my strongest traits, and I?m learning to accept and embrace them. I like those ideas. I just wish life would hurry up and show my path, so I can stop feeling so anxious and uncertain.

Posted by mary at July 12, 2004 10:30 PM