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June 13, 2004

THE STUPIDITY OF MEN

For SGL (Actually SJL, but he knows who he is)

All right, SGL, this blog?s for you. I?d better receive a happy message that I?ve finally gotten around to posting something new. I?m sick and tired of you nagging my ass. Since you?re one of the only two people that visit my website, I guess I feel I owe it to you. You?re the only one complaining. Actually, someone else mentioned it the other day, but they were very nice about it.

There are some things I?ve learned during my very, very short life, but one thing that keeps affecting me is the stupidity of men. Don?t get me wrong, I love men. They can be very useful for fixing things, and the thought of my skin pressed against another woman?s just doesn?t do it for me. But let?s face it. Men are stupid. Here are some samples of men?s stupidity, taken from actual conversations.

WARNING: THIS IS NOT A DRAMATAZATION

?Women can?t be president of anything.? (Said to me, at age ten, by a teacher. Crushing.)

?Yeah, I don?t really want to eat there. Mexicans are dirty.?

?Come on, you can tell me.?

?But I thought women liked waiting on men?it?s in their nurturing nature.?

?You strut when you walk, don?t you??

?If I call you, I expect you to call me back.?

?You?re pretty cute . . . my girlfriend thinks you?re cute, too.?

?Women don?t have the temperament for Management positions.?

?Turn down the bass.? (As said to me during a Primus song. The idea is totally sacrilegious.)

?Oh yeah, baby, you like to choke on it.?

?Is that a mood ring??

Lapis lazuli, people! Mood rings are plastic and adjustable, not silver and precious stone. Besides, I don?t need a ring to tell someone I?m happy to see them. They feel it.

Keep in mind this is just a sample of the stupid things men have said to me. I could keep going, but we?d be here for years, and I think you get my point. Since I?m not planning on dying anytime soon, I?m sure I?ll hear other questions or comments that will take top prize. However, lately the question to beat has been: How can a guy afford a wife and a girlfriend?

In the past two months I?ve had two different pseudo-men ask me this question, verbatim. I?m beginning to wonder if there isn?t anything in the water, or playing subliminally on the radio. I?m sure that most men have debated the merits of having a wife and a girlfriend, but to come out and make it public like that?

My first instinct is to question how men could want such a thing in the first place. I?ve heard men praise women for things like serving them, especially for sexual favors, but the other ninety percent of the time I hear men bitching about what a pain in the ass women are. Women have no sense for logic, they are too emotional, they are too manipulative, they bitch and nag constantly, spend all a man?s hard earned cash, and deny requests for blow jobs?after you?re married forget it. My own husband has accused me of being high maintenance, whatever that means. Why would a man consciously choose to deal with two women? It seems to me the emotional struggles wouldn?t be worth the taste or feel of something new. Even the boys who asked me that stupid question have complained to me about their love interests.

However, a man could never understand that kind of emotional logic. So when I answered the question, I told them what I knew men could understand: It is impossible to afford a wife and a girlfriend.

In a man?s vision of the perfect world, there is a loving wife to bear his children and wait on him, keeping him company as he grows old, and a girlfriend on the side for variety. The title of wife implies a permanent appendage, but a girlfriend, now those are interchangeable. But even in the perfect world there must be balance. Women are expensive. In a world where every man got two, it would be doubly expensive. First you have to pay for the wife, which includes a house with a yard, kids, and a minivan. Then you have to pay for the girlfriend. Even if you don?t ante-up for her rent, you?re still going to have to take her out to the movies, for drinks and clubbing, or for dinner, and buy her gifts to keep her happy. If I lived in a world where my husband had a girlfriend or my boyfriend had a wife, I would be set up like you wouldn?t believe. I wouldn?t have to work, though I would still write. I wouldn?t have to do anything but write and spend his money.

There are always questions that follow, exhausting petitions to help find a viable solution. What if I made this much money, or what if the wife/girlfriend paid for herself most of the time? The answer doesn?t change: You couldn?t afford it. The average man does not have money to throw around like Tony Soprano or Henry Hill. If there is still resistance, I throw in a quick summary of the emotional reasons. So far, that?s ended the conversation. There?s nothing more incomprehensible than emotional reasons for not attempting something desired. It?s easier to accept the practical reasons and forget the rest.

I hope no other men ask me that question. But if they do, I?ll be prepared: You couldn?t afford it, you stupid man.

:)

Posted by mary at 6:16 PM

June 12, 2004

THE WOES OF THE MARRIED WOMAN

Sorry, SGL, but this one came to me last night and I had to get it out. Yours will be out sometime this weekend, I promise. You?ll just have to wait a little while longer to become offended. In postponing your blog, I hope to have succeeded in drawing out your suspense and annoying you. That said, it seems like I should follow with a really great blog, doesn?t it? Oh well.

Since my husband doesn?t visit my website, I?m not going to worry.

My dearest husband and I have been married for almost five years. I love him dearly, and show it by my loyalty and in other ways. Five years might not seem like a long time to be married to most people, especially if they?ve made it past the five year mark, but we dated for three before we got married, and?oh, screw the excuses. It feels like long enough to have learned a few things.

Yesterday I wore black lace hipsters, with silver detailing and a crotch like a rubber band, just so I could get laid. I wish they made sensible underwear that pretty, but I digress. . . . I remember putting them on in the morning. It was the first time since I bought them two months ago. I finally decided to suffer through the eternal wedge, just to please my husband. Do you think he appreciated the gesture? No. Sure, he ooh?d and aah?d, and even asked to touch, but he never saw the matching bra. He told me I was beautiful, that he loved me, and crap like that, but the rest of it was, ?I?ll be home in a little bit, I have some errands to run.?

So I gave him a little reminder: ?Stephen, it?s been three days.?

After I say that he laughs, and sometimes he?ll make a comment about how I live in dog years. He knows I?m not going anywhere, so off he goes to pick up some steel for the Hall and take-out for supper. He?s lucky I love him so much, or I might be tempted to prove him wrong.

Still, the question gnaws at me: What do I have to do around here to get laid? It would be nice if there was sure-fire trick. All the old ones that used to work when we were first married are unpredictable. There isn?t a time of day or day of the week I can depend on, nor any physical or visual deeds. I?ve tried to offer him a schedule, like every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but that makes him feel ?pressured?.

I?m still pushing for that schedule. Everything I?ve tried worked at least once. In the beginning of our relationship, I could get away with motivating undergarments, waxing my legs, and even just makeup. Over the years, I?ve found those feminine tricks have lost their appeal. He doesn?t notice the undies, and doesn?t care if I wear makeup or even shave. Now I don?t know what does it. One time he was insatiable because I cleaned off my vanity in our bedroom. Can you believe that? It was a complete pigsty?change, receipts and other papers (trash), clothes and underwear everywhere?but cleaning a vanity? I cleaned the vanity regularly for a while after that, but it didn?t work again. Perhaps if I let it get extremely offensive and then clean it. . . .

I?ll keep trying my tricks, because I know what the problem is. Security in love creates comfort. There is satisfaction overall with life, even if life isn?t as perfect as imagined, or not even close. Comfort leads to familiarity, and with familiarity comes laziness. It?s not boredom, just laziness. Everything becomes a responsibility. It is his responsibility to remind me that I am not going to die, and my responsibility to remind him that every minute that passes accumulates wasted time, time better spent on activities like sex. I guess that?s just the way it is after you?ve been married for a while. Hard as it is, I?ll just have to accept it.

My dearest husband will be home from class soon. That leaves me just enough time to pick up the house and take a shower before he arrives. I think today is a perfect day for another reminder. And this time my persistence just might pay off.

Posted by mary at 11:52 AM